Everyone’s been saying that C has been dead for… well, more than a decade

[but] Scattered around the world there are… things. Little, unregarded things… that keep C from dying out altogether. Embedded devices, household appliances, single purpose systems and various other unseen, disregarded objects carry C’s compiled code within. And while they exist, and require maintenance and upgrades, C cannot be killed.

Voldemort

This is a language that found its way into the halls of ingenuity by appealing to all the right people at the top…Certainly better than… well, You Know What…

But after only a few short months, you look up to realise that blatant, horrific evil has been replaced by a kind of dreary, soul sapping awfulness…Design patterns and frameworks are codified as law and hammered into the whiteboards.

Dolores Umbridge

C++ is a language pulled between two worlds. One is the dark and evil world of… You Know Who… and the other is the bright-but-annoyingly-preppy world of those who wish to overthrow the dark lord.

And C++’s role in all of this is somewhat inscrutable. Is it harbouring and abetting the enemy? Or is it actually keeping you safe from its worst excesses?

Severus Snape

PHP might have some money behind it, but it’s not ambitious enough to be a real villian, and it’s too mediocre for any kind of redemption.

Draco Malfoy

Python is smart enough, but not too academic. Python has some pretty influential people behind it, but is always helping out those who don’t have a lot of power. And it seems like every time you’re in trouble, Python just happens to have exactly the right magical doodad in its pocket to save your life.

But Python harbours a terrible secret. The reason that many of its spells libraries are so powerful is that buried underneath, in its most hidden depths, there lurks a sinister, terrible core of C!

Harry Potter

Ha ha ha Javascript. That stupid little toy language that we used to use to make our websites do oh-so-1337 stuff in the late 90s. But around about 2010, we started having conversations like this:

"What are you using on the server/mobile/desktop?"

"Javascript."

Ginny Weasley